June 22, 2003

A New Contest (Largely, if not Exclusively, of Interest to Female Readers, for Reasons that Should be Obvious)

Because this blog needs more fluff, I bring you:

The Bridesmaid House of Horrors Contest

All this talk of marriage has got me thinking about weddings. And when I think of weddings, I invariably think of bridesmaids. More specifically, I think (with varying degrees of shame and horror and amusement, depending on the mood I'm in) of bridesmaid dresses I have known and not loved, which is to say, of bridesmaid dresses I have actually (and un-f***ing-believably) worn. Are you with me? Yeah, you know it, baby.

Who among us hasn't had, at one point or another, to don some frightful figure-unflattering concotion of polyester satin with dyed-to-match pumps? From leg-o-mutton sleeves (Why I am Not a Libertarian, Reason #156: I think leg-o-mutton sleeves should be ILLEGAL, with violators prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law) to shiny teal green fabric (Women of the World, Unite! and realize that shiny teal flatters no one, and that matching teal green eyeshadow only turns things from very bad to even worse), the bridesmaid outfit reveals the true meaning of the term "Fashion Victim."

So 'fess up. I'm looking for detailed descriptions, and not only of the dresses, but also of the various and sundry accessories to the crime against fashion that we call "The Bridesmaid" (shoes, bags, hairpieces, floral arrangements, makeup and etc.) The worse, the better, and the ghastliest outfit wins.

The prize: No cash, but in addition to the glory: a wedding-related novelty item of my choosing.

The fine print: No purchase necessary to enter or win. Entries must be received by June 28, 2003. Contest is not open to employees of Invisible Adjunct and each of its respective affiliates, subsidiaries, and advertising or promotional agencies, and the immediate family members of, and any persons domiciled with, such employees. Winning contestant must answer a skill-testing question. Winner will be notified by email and announced on this blog on July 1, 2003. Void where prohibited by law.

Posted by Invisible Adjunct at June 22, 2003 08:55 PM

Not clothes, but hair: I hate bangs, avoiding them regardless of what the rest of my hair looks like, but for a friend's wedding I allowed the scary-haired stylist to do the following to my head:

Create bangs!
Tease the rest into a tower!
Make coy little ringlets all around.
Spray to the point of cement.
Add yellow roses (yes, actual roses) and baby's breath.

Normal look: unstyled, unproducted simply cut hair -- very different!

Posted by: Rana at June 23, 2003 01:10 AM

I, um, can't actually help you here. The one wedding I was in was a Halloween wedding, and we were allowed to choose our own dresses in the theme colors. Naturally nobody chose anything awful.

Whereas for my tiny informal wedding I let people wear whatever they wanted. And they did me more than proud.

Can I enter on the basis of some of the dresses I wore for high school chorus? Teal-green! Much teal green!

Posted by: Dorothea Salo at June 23, 2003 08:52 AM

"Can I enter on the basis of some of the dresses I wore for high school chorus?"

I might consider bending the rules to accept your entry. Teal green is very bad, which is very good. But I'd need more detail (e.g., fabric and cut: and of course you get extra points for polyester).

Posted by: Invisible Adjunct at June 23, 2003 11:10 AM

Item: 2 awful bridesmaid dresses, now long-gone at yonder thrift store. The first was from a stint at a 1989 wedding. Remember, this is the height of bad '80's fashion, think "Saved by the Bell" clothing styles and huge-a** hair. Not only was this dress a blaring peach and bright, shiny satin with lace overlay, it featured the double-whammy of smaller leg-o-mutton sleeves that ended at the wrist, and a confirmation length skirt hitting dead center at the knees. At the time I was 19 years old, but it was my friend's wedding so I said nary a word. Plus her mother in law made the dresses.
(I specialize in making reproduction Victorian era clothing and the 1980's has much maligned many aspects of fashion from the 19th century, so I hear you about the leg-o-mutton sleeves!)
The second dress was longer, a more flattering ankle-length, but that was overshadowed by it being a shiny aqua, second only to teal in unwearability. The sleeves were of Imelda Marcos caliber, large, short, and puffy. No lace, but there was a big bow and a comb for my hair. For both dresses I had shoes dyed to match, of course.
Luckily I got married and all my friends are married or heavily committed to being single, so I am out of the "danger zone" of bad bridesmaid dresses! Whew!

Posted by: Cat at June 23, 2003 11:53 AM

Cat -- all I can say is "EW!"
What a loyal friend you are.

Posted by: Rana at June 23, 2003 04:22 PM

Okay, okay, my senior-year chorus dress.

Teal-green polyester taffeta, with that nauseating sheen. Leg-o-mutton sleeves without the "leg" part -- just one almost head-sized pouf at the shoulder, practically big enough to brush one's earlobes. Plain in front, which was its only grace; the waist fell just at the precise spot to make any woman wearing it look dumpy no matter what her measurements.

And. The crowning (so to speak) touch. Butt bow. Big butt bow. Supposedly held on one side by a snap, but there wasn't a one of us who didn't end up tacking the damned thing so that it wouldn't fall down and waggle ridiculously behind us as we left the stage.

How's that?

Posted by: Dorothea Salo at June 23, 2003 10:38 PM

I just thank myself to letting my bridesmaids pick out their own dresses.. less stress. =)

Posted by: bicycle clothing at October 16, 2003 12:41 AM